(Following courtesy of the Fort Wayne TinCaps)
Dear Dave,
We know you still have a lot of good years left and aren’t ready to retire yet, so consider this: We’d like to invite you to intern with us.
This may sound wild at first, but think about it. Most importantly, you’d be back close to home and your mother, Dorothy. This also would be a return to your roots in sports. We still remember when you covered the Indianapolis 500 before breaking through in comedy.
Now, make no mistake about it, interning in Minor League Baseball is more challenging than cracking jokes for a living. That isn’t to say you can’t make people laugh still, but you’ll also be tasked with dressing up as our mascot, helping to pull the tarp, rolling hot dogs, selling tickets, and more during the course of some 12-plus hour days.
The good news is our interns have a proven track record of obtaining full-time jobs after their time at Parkview Field. On top of that, have we mentioned that fans around here love you?
Congrats on a great career and thanks for the laughs,
Johnny TinCap
Top Ten Reasons David Letterman Should Intern with the Fort Wayne TinCaps
10. You’ll be paid in cotton candy.
9. In case you break the printer, you can always blame the mascot.
8. We also have openings for Rupert to work concessions, Alan to do PA, and Paul to lead “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”
7. Parkview Field is close to Ball State so you can check out the building named after you.
6. Need to spice up your marriage? We can put you on the Kiss Cam.
5. You’ll be in a cubicle, but you can keep your desk.
4. Chance to do slip-n-slide on tarp during rain delay.
3. We’ll take out the ceremonial first pitch so you can still do a monologue.
2. Most of our in-game promotions already qualify as Stupid Human Tricks.
1. Together, we could make “Small Town News” on Colbert’s show.
